I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
