My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
