I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
