I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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