I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
