tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
not ubering you a puppy
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A+ Viking dick
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
