He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize