how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
