i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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