Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize