So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
