Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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