Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
