Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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