I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize