Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
