i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize