He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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