i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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