I wannas sexs uuuuu
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
