Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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