she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
