also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
