it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
