I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
