The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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