I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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