I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
