She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
