apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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