I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
