cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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