If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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