he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
now i know why i became what i already was.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
