I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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