first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
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