yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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