I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
