he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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