so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
