and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
