Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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