I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
