he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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