I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
