Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
