Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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