he thought i was a dude.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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