Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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