I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
