he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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