How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
