I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
