Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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