First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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