Who wears a wallet chain?!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
