On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
