a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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