90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
